some trouble

and then, just for now , we go forward one million steps. eugene, oregon. nineteen, i guess. one day, when it was starting to fall apart, i was at my eugene girlfriend's house (apartment). i was cheating on my real portland girlfriend jayne, but it didn't feel like i was doing anything bad. i was so hungry and anne made some cream of mushroom soup. she put some spices on top. it tasted so good. we had been fighting so bad, unhealthy like, it was cold outside and it was time to feel better. she might have fed it to me. i loved her so much in a weird and special way. she knew i was cheating. it didn't matter to either of us.

i lived on garden street. a dead end in west linn. my friends were the people that lived there by geography. it was my long pursuit to make my parents happy. eric had trouble with his ears. he had six surgeries, every time my dad gave him twenty bucks for being brave. he'd put it up in the light. eric's twenty bucks.

i got in trouble quite a few times over those years. once for pulling down my pants. once for wrecking my dad's toolbox. and that paint by number thing. it was a model of a ruby throated humming bird. i wanted to paint. i colored over the numbers. that turned out poorly.

the story

now that i'm a writer, i intend to tell the story. and it goes a little something like this.

we had the play room, cement floor painted nicely green room. basement. i loved it. we had a cool slot car track that my dad put on a little table, also green. there was the "toy box", this big cardboard box full of all of your stuff, and you just threw it in there when you were done, so you could clean up real quick. it was dark blue with a yellow lid. i wonder where my dad got that.

jane misseldine raised me until we moved a few miles to the robinwood district. she was a staunch mormon, kind of a trip now that i really think about it. my mom was a teacher and an old school mom. dinner, a well contemplated healthy variety, was always on the table at five thirty. we talked about things, but it wasn't how you're picturing. but it was good. sometimes when we went to the store my mom would agree to buy one of those "sugary cereals". me and my brother, eric, would chat between our bunk beds about how excellent the cereal was gonna be tomorrow. the room was split with this wainscoating, white on bottom and robin's egg blue on top. and the top was curved. i had a picture of an old timey car that came as a kit from my mom and dad. it was one of those things that you spread out some glue and sprinkle colored particles on it, like ted sawyers "art". it had some shiny black cord with which you could define the lines. my mom helped me make it, and the feeling of that moment is still here. ironically, my dear mother has no artistic talent whatsoever. man, i loved my mom and dad and my brother. we had inside jokes. you know, maybe that's the luxury of family that some never have. i am embarrassed to say that i have taken it for granted. i have to go.
r.

next blog: chapter two.

trippin' and clickin'

outrageous trippin', crazy clickin'! one and all.

i think that i'm a writer. i just put on a special jacket to prove it. it's a plaid, loose weave blazer by armani. i put it on over my sweatshirt. man, i sure feel like a writer. i pause and inhale deeply. for a moment, my expression goes distant, as if i am consumed with thoughts not of the times. can i be a writer now? i smoke alot.

something makes me want to get drunk and punch away at this keyboard all the time. i think that i like to assemble the words. it's like a fun puzzle, you can change the shapes if you need to, but you still gotta follow the rules.

what did i mean by "clickin"? i get the trippin' part. maybe the keyboard, right?
oh yeah, i'm a writer alright. what the hell are you?

my tree on days like these

i just wrote this lovely entry about the tree outside, and my power went down 'cause i had the heater on.
alas, that original feeling is long gone now.
some things still remain. i love days like these, the saturday of the thanksgiving weekend. cold outside but not in here. early morning when most people are asleep or just getting up. i have virtually nowhere that i have to be, nothing that i have to do. i have everything that i need right here. there is still sunday before work. it is a free time for free thinking.

this is what i think...

most people want the same thing, it just comes up with different manifestations and names. i think we all want to feel like we're realizing ourselves, putting our best foot forward. we as humans crave the company and approval of others, and ultimately truly care about the well being of the people around us. we want to do our part, and do a good job of it. we are also inherently selfish and will always seek to better our personal situations. we feel best when we feel like we're doing both.

we all do alot of different things. some people run. some people work for charities. some people smoke. some surf, some bite their nails, and some vomit their last meal in hopes of staying thin.
some guys change their oil and keep the receipts. while they are all engaged in different activities, i believe that they are trying to do the same thing...hoping to get to that special place in their mind, that special way of feeling that is o.k. with them. self "pre-approved" good space. when everything is fine, they feel engaged and interested, and that they have something to offer.
balanced, if you will. they want to feel like life is giving something back.

that's what i think.
r.

lung funk.

it's tuesday and i haven't been to work for the las two days, four including the weekend. i am sick.
yesterday, early in the morning, i literally felt like i couldn't breathe (as much as i needed to.) i was gasping and panicking. i called my friend and she took me to the hospital.
the whole experience went incredibly smoothly. i was seen by a doctor and temporarily "fixed" almost immediately. it turns out i have the classic "lungus funkiest." the doc gave me a billion prescriptions, assured me that i would be fine, and sent me on my way.
which brings me to this. i forgot to add that she also wrote me a note for work saying that i shouldn't go back for four days. especially not the next 'couple. so, ive called work, i'm taking my medicine, i'm resting, and it is a really weird experience. i've gotta say, it's pretty nice. of course, that makes me feel guilty. i absolutely know that i shouldn't, but that's guilt for you.
with that in mind, it is 1:30 p.m. of "day two", which means my hiatus will soon draw to a close.
i close my entry at this point in hopes of guiltlessly enjoying my "get-better" time by getting better.
r.

good day, one and all.

top of the goddamned morning to you, one and all. this is MY blog.
i have been thinking about alot of things today. depression, disappointment, love, hopeful expectations, duty, responsibility. physical endurance or the lack thereof. did i spell that right?

it is saturday, so with great pleasure i inform you that you can do whatever you like. even if you're supposed to work today. it's true. you are free, you just may not realize it. would you like to know what's new?

i have lately been sharing correspondence with an old friend. we lost each other for awhile, but she must have felt my brain squirming, 'cause she called me the other day. she is Robin, and she is magnificent. anyone is lucky to meet her.

Sara is my friend through Blaine. she is talented artist, and recently got a tattoo gun. she's been putting images on everybody i know lately. Blaine just got this crazy walrus that i just love. i want a Sara tattoo, too, but my mom won't let me.

i think my children know that i'm crazy. come to think of it, they have probably been on to me for years. i don't know what their mother tells them, but i love her no matter what.

my daughter is going to college next fall! i want to try and remember to do what i can to keep her on track. it is a wonderful opportunity that i squandered myself. i know that she will enjoy the experience so much. she will be actualized at last. when Allie talks, people should listen and learn.

my main supporter (you know who you are) and i went out for some pills last night. i guess i thought if i went to the pharmacy and could accurately pronounce the name of the drug i wanted, they would give it to me. not so. i was being a little reckless. we got out before anything got ugly. went from there to taco bell. how do you like that?

i have slept in my clothes for at least two days running.

i have a dentist now, but i'm not sure that i trust him. he has pictures of his achievements in his office. him with his plane, him with his hot wife, him in a magical tropical place. hey, wait a minute dude, are you buying that stuff with my money? right?

since i can do whatever i want (don't forget, so can you), i choose to clean up my place and myself, and make ready to spend sunday with my son and daughter. armed with the new found knowledge that they know i'm nuts. they seem to love me anyway. i have low self-esteem right now, i mustn't let them feel that tug. that's the duty and responsibility talkin'.

everyone have a clean, free, liberating day. this is my new "blog". read it.

i am r., and you will come to love me. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!